Saturday, July 20, 2013

Light In The Tunnel

I have had what I consider to be a pretty "normal" week.  I haven't had one of those in a long time.  I mean that I felt like me.  Maybe you can't understand that, but I'm ecstatic about it!  I'm beginning to see the light.  I have had an extremely tough year.  It started in about June of last year.  But if I'm going to be honest, it started quite a few years prior to that and came to a head in June.  I've struggled.  I've been depressed.  I've been angry.  I just haven't felt like me.  But I didn't give up.  That's the important thing.

And I didn't try to fake it, either.  During my college years, I often heard the teaching, "Fake it 'til you make it!"  And I, like probably most of the other girls, thought it sounded like a good idea.  Now I'm not so sure that it IS a good idea.  If I fake it, am I trying to tell myself that there really isn't a problem when there clearly is?  Am I trying to look to others like there isn't a problem and I don't need help, when I clearly do?  I'm not sure what the point or purpose of faking it is, but even if I thought it was a good idea, I couldn't have done it.  Not this time.  This time the problems were just too big.  

You see, sometimes we just need the support of others.  They don't have to know the specifics of anything, but our vulnerability allows others to love us in a way that they couldn't if we were pretending, or faking.  It's okay to show our weaknesses sometimes.  We just shouldn't wallow in them.  We shouldn't allow our weaknesses and trials to define who we are.  We should turn to God and allow Him to grow us through our trial.  That's what I did.

I listened to music almost non-stop for months on end.  I read my Bible constantly.  I read a book over and over that helped me.  And I prayed.  I prayed for the situation.  I'm still praying for the situation.  It's a problem that won't be just disappearing.  But that's okay because God is helping me through it.  And I am growing.  And this week, I finally felt like myself again.